A Beautiful One At That

Friday, August 30, 2013

I love being a mom. I mean I REALLY love being a mom. What's not to love about having a squishy baby face to kiss whenever you want? Motherhood has been a beautiful journey so far. I tried to mentally prepare myself for it when I found out I was pregnant. I was prepared for the sleepless nights, the diapers, the chaos, the exhaustion, and all the body fluids from my little love. One thing never seemed to cross my mind, losing myself.

I have promised to devote every fiber of my being to raise Little A the way God wants me to, love him with all of my heart, be there to kiss every boo-boo, scare away the monsters, be his comfort when he is sick, and do any thing and every thing necessary. All of that comes with a price. I am no longer just Kirstin. Little A and I are a package deal, where I go, he goes. I have been forever changed by this little miracle baby, and for that, I am eternally grateful. The beautiful tragedy of this, I will never again be "just me". My heart is living in 2 bodies now. If I ever decided to give up on being a mom, I could walk away and quit, but I would forever be half of a heart wandering around.

If you met me several years ago, my introduction probably would have gone something like this "Hi, my name is Kirstin. I love to read, stay up late, drink coffee, go shopping, go running, have girls nights, hang out with my handsome hunk of a hubby, and be surrounded by my loved ones." I still enjoy those things, but I don't feel like that's what described me best anymore. I am a follower of Christ, a wife totally in love with her husband, and a mom to the cutest blue eyed baby boy in the world (yes, I checked, Little A has the title).

I never knew loss of identity was such a common thing in motherhood, until I became one, felt guilty about it, and started talking to other mommy friends. Guess what? There is no guilt or shame in it sister. It's ok to mourn the loss of your "old self", it's normal. But don't forget to be thankful for "the new you" that comes with maturity, selflessness, a bigger appreciation for the small things, and more love than you will know what to do with.

It's a beautiful thing, dying to self to become new. I am a mommy, I will always and forever be a mommy. Nothing could ever change that, even if, God forbid, something happened to my sweet boy, I have put on the cloak of motherhood which can never be removed. It's an eternal thing, something that grows in your heart, something that never dies. 

So, to the "old Kirstin", the years we had were fun and free, but I must bid you adieu. I am still trying to navigate my way through motherhood and discovering the "new me", it's all a journey, and a beautiful one at that.


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