Thursday, October 10, 2013


Have y'all seen that video? If not, watch it. 

I watched it with tears rolling down my cheeks and goosebumps on my arms. 

I'm going to be so honest, expose my truth, be vulnerable with my words and feelings because God is telling me to.

I came from a broken home. My parents divorced when I was in 3rd grade. I have 1 happy memory of my parents interacting as a couple. One. It involved my dad chasing my mom through the house, they were both laughing, tickling, smiling, hugging. The other memories of them as a couple consisted of arguing, tears, yelling, hurt, and pain. 

Divorce hurts everyone involved. As a child, I blamed myself, thinking I caused the fights, that if I was a better child, my parents would get along. That if I was "enough", I could be the glue that held my family together. 

Those hurts you experience when you don't fully understand, they turn to scars, callouses, painful construed perceptions of marriage. 

I was raised in church, "got saved" when I was 5 (I say that with quotes because at that point in my life, I said a prayer that was led by my sunday school teacher, I don't think I fully understood or grasped salvation). As a young teenager, I struggled so immensely with this feeling of inadequency. I looked for something to make me feel whole. I tried to fill the void with boys, inappropriate relationships, music, movies, anything to make me feel something. Guess what? It left me feeling even emptier. I used to spend a ton of time in my room, alone, listening to music, writing in a journal. I had 6 journals that I filled throughout my teenage years. Those pages were home to words of pain, feeling alone, misunderstood, empty, and anger. 

I was a pro at putting on a happy face, acting like everything was ok, that I didn't need anyone or anything. In my mind, everyone would let you down, fail you, hurt you, then leave you. I would trust no one, not give anyone the chance to hurt me.

 I went to church, sat through service after service, like a stone. Not wanting to absorb anything, listen to a single word, or sing a single note of a praise song. Why? In my mind, God had abandoned me. He let my family fall apart, He ignored my prayers and pleas when I was just a small child, He had forgotten me, so I would return the favor. 

Want to know something awesome about God? He NEVER gives up. He keeps on keeping on. It wasn't until I went to a Christian Youth Conference in Tennessee that I truly 100% accepted the gift of salvation with full understanding of my sin and need for Jesus. Things got better, BUT I still struggled. 

I still had anger in my heart. I could not for the life of me grasp that in God's eyes, I was worth dying for. I knew He loved me, I just couldn't understand why He would love someone like me? Didn't he know how broken I was? I was damaged goods. 

It was about 2 years after I got saved that God broke my walls down. It was this life changing night that I will never forget. Alone in my room, getting ready for the next day, God spoke so clearly to me saying "Kirstin, you are Mine! I would die for you again and again. I love you more than you will ever understand. You are ENOUGH, you always have been. I have forgiven you, forgive yourself. You are made whole in Me." That night, I destroyed those journals, God had forgiven me for my selfishness, my anger. I no longer wanted Satan to have that hold on my heart. 

In my attempt to feel whole with things of the world, I gained wounds. Those wounds are healed, they are scars. They no longer hurt, but they are a reminder to me of the pain I brought upon myself, and the healing that Christ brought me through Himself. I still struggle sometime with regret, feeling stupid about choices I made. They are painful memories, but I decided that night several years ago to give my mess to Christ so he could turn it into a message.

Girls, LISTEN to this video, to me, to what God is telling you. NO BOY could ever make you whole, no amount of music, movies, friends, drugs, alcohol or whatever you struggle with will ever be enough to fill that void. A man named Jesus suffered a horrific gruesome death FOR YOU. He loves you that much. Think about that for a minute. 

A whole life, one filled with forgiveness, freedom from your sins,  joy, a best friend, and more love than you could ever fathom is waiting for you. All you have to do is accept it. Jesus is waiting to pick you up, dust you off, tell you He loves you, and hold your hand through every single minute of your life. The best part? Death isn't the end, it's the beginning. He loves you so much, He wants to spend ETERNITY with you in Heaven. 

Take it from me, a life without Jesus is empty, it has no purpose.There are no "damaged goods" in His eyes, no one is beyond His repair. He made your heart, of course He can fix it.

 Be made whole in Him, His love and forgiveness. You are MORE than enough.


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