A Beautiful One At That

I love being a mom. I mean I REALLY love being a mom. What's not to love about having a squishy baby face to kiss whenever you want? Motherhood has been a beautiful journey so far. I tried to mentally prepare myself for it when I found out I was pregnant. I was prepared for the sleepless nights, the diapers, the chaos, the exhaustion, and all the body fluids from my little love. One thing never seemed to cross my mind, losing myself.

I have promised to devote every fiber of my being to raise Little A the way God wants me to, love him with all of my heart, be there to kiss every boo-boo, scare away the monsters, be his comfort when he is sick, and do any thing and every thing necessary. All of that comes with a price. I am no longer just Kirstin. Little A and I are a package deal, where I go, he goes. I have been forever changed by this little miracle baby, and for that, I am eternally grateful. The beautiful tragedy of this, I will never again be "just me". My heart is living in 2 bodies now. If I ever decided to give up on being a mom, I could walk away and quit, but I would forever be half of a heart wandering around.

If you met me several years ago, my introduction probably would have gone something like this "Hi, my name is Kirstin. I love to read, stay up late, drink coffee, go shopping, go running, have girls nights, hang out with my handsome hunk of a hubby, and be surrounded by my loved ones." I still enjoy those things, but I don't feel like that's what described me best anymore. I am a follower of Christ, a wife totally in love with her husband, and a mom to the cutest blue eyed baby boy in the world (yes, I checked, Little A has the title).

I never knew loss of identity was such a common thing in motherhood, until I became one, felt guilty about it, and started talking to other mommy friends. Guess what? There is no guilt or shame in it sister. It's ok to mourn the loss of your "old self", it's normal. But don't forget to be thankful for "the new you" that comes with maturity, selflessness, a bigger appreciation for the small things, and more love than you will know what to do with.

It's a beautiful thing, dying to self to become new. I am a mommy, I will always and forever be a mommy. Nothing could ever change that, even if, God forbid, something happened to my sweet boy, I have put on the cloak of motherhood which can never be removed. It's an eternal thing, something that grows in your heart, something that never dies. 

So, to the "old Kirstin", the years we had were fun and free, but I must bid you adieu. I am still trying to navigate my way through motherhood and discovering the "new me", it's all a journey, and a beautiful one at that.

9 Months Old!

My little love bug is 9 months old. Doesn't seem real, and yes I have already started gathering ideas for his first birthday party. I think the excitement of planning a party just for him is the only reason I am not a total basket case at the thought of no longer having an infant (insert heavy sigh).

He has changed SO much over the past few months. He is so active, happy, MOBILE, and into E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.!

Little A has been crawling for a few months, but he is now crawling with his belly off the floor, every now and then he brings the good ol' Army crawl back out. He can pull himself to a standing position without wobbling. He loves to hold on to the coffee table and walk around it. He will let go and balance himself for a few seconds before carefully sitting back down, we are SO close to having a little WALKING boy, oh my heart just races thinking about it.

Teething has been a nightmare. Getting his two front bottom teeth was not bad at all, but the top two, holy scream fest! He has been running a temperature, broken out in his first diaper rash (thankful we are just now facing diaper rash), and been super fussy. He just gnaws on everything and cries, cries, cries, breaks my heart. BUT they have finally broken through the skin so hopefully, the worst is over.

He says "mama", "dada", "uh-oh", and "no" is a new one. He is constantly jabbering up a storm. He loves to throw food from his high-chair tray and say "uh-oh" with an innocent look on his face.

His routine has changed quite a bit. He goes to sleep usually around 8pm, sleeps until 5:30, nurses, then back to sleep until 8am. He takes a nap around 11:30, sleeps for any where from 1 and a half hours to 2 and a half hours. He usually takes another short nap around 4, lasting about an hour.

He is eating mainly solid foods. He isn't picky at all. His favorite breakfast is half of a homemade whole wheat blueberry muffin, yogurt, and a banana. He LOVES all fruit and would eat it all day every day if I let him. Spaghetti is definitely one of his favorites. He has tried cows milk and loved it. He is only nursing 3 times a day now, early morning, late afternoon, and right before bed time. I thought I would be sad about it, but it's actually been nice for both of us. He isn't a fan of sitting still long enough to nurse more than he does and it gives me a little more freedom.

Little A enjoys the nursery at church and now (after a few cry sessions) the gym nursery too. He is a very social baby and likes to play with other babies.

Veggie tales can make Little A stop dead in his tracks. It's pretty much the only movie he will actually watch, which doesn't bother me in the least bit. He starts clapping and smiling when he hears the theme song.





Stats:

• Weight - 17 pounds 14 ounces (10th percentile)
• Length - 27  inches ( percentile)
• Head circumference- 
• Diaper size -  3
• Clothes size - Just started wearing 9 month clothes, the pants are too big, so he is mainly wearing size 6 month pants. 
• Favorites- Walking holding on to things, being outside, Veggie Tales, eating, and playing with Daddy
• Mommy's favorite moment/s this month- He now will grab one of his books, crawl over to me, and sit still while I read it. I'm SO thankful he is enjoying reading!

Oh the Irony

Ironic:

Adjective

1. Happening in the opposite way to what is expected, thus typically causing wry amusement

I'm a people pleaser. If I think I have even remotely hurt your feelings, I will most likely cry.This is a curse and blessing. It's good to be sensitive to other's feelings and opinions, but it's a curse to drive yourself nuts by trying to make everyone happy.

Being that I am a people pleaser, it's hard for me to share my heart a lot of times in fear of rejection, disapproval from my peers, and just flat out judgement and criticism. Here's the irony in possesing this beautiful character trait, er, flaw?  

This blog.

At first, I didn't want to continue blogging. I feel my posts are boring, dull, and my writing skills need a serious polish job. So I stopped, for a long time, until I had Little A. I was encouraged to get back in the swing of writing to keep family and friends in the loop of things with him (which I haven't posted as much as I should). So I started blogging with the thought that all posts would be baby related.

Ready for more irony? I felt God leading me into writing personal things (*gasp* you mean share my heart? put it out there to be judged?), verses He gives me, words of encouragment, thoughts He reveals to me. At first, I was super hesitant. After some serious nudging, this post came about. And you know what, I got a few e-mails from people thanking me for it, saying it was exactly what they needed to hear. The even more amazing thing? The credit is God's and God's alone. It isn't mine. He gave me that post, I simply submitted to the nudging of typing it out, finally, after several nudges.

 When I am hesitant to writing something He laid on my heart for fear of disapproval or less than pleased readers, I could be withholding the very encouragement someone needs. Fear of failure holds the #7 spot on the list of the top 10 fears in the world. Pretty rational fear right?  What is your fear? What is God asking you to do that you aren't because of this fear? Take heed to the nudging, breathe, and trust God.

"For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." - Isaiah 41:13

7 Months

Little A is 7 months (and a few days) old!

This will be a quick post to just keep record of a few milestones.

He has been successfully been sitting up sans wobble for a couple of weeks. He prefers to sit up rather than lay, especially in the bath. If he is laying, he is rolling. He can roll across a room so fast, it's crazy. He has serious speed. He is getting on his hands and knees and rocking. He has gone backwards a few times, and inched forward a couple of times. He is SO close to crawling which makes me excited, sad, nervous, and anxious all at the same time.

He is still breastfed. He eats fruits or veggies at breakfast and dinner. He isn't picky, the only thing he doesn't like are grapes and green beans. He loves all fruits we have tried so far. The only new fruit we have added in the past few weeks is blueberries.

He is SO talkative and friendly. He loves to smile, people watch, and talk to anyone who will listen.

This month has a few changes / firsts.

Mr. J is away at his first extended training with the army since deployment. 2 weeks. It doesn't seem like long to a lot of people, but once you go through deployment, anything longer than 3 days and you immediately go into "deployment mode" where you feel like it will be ages before you see them again. We're only on day 3 and Little A is seriously missing daddy. Mr. J calls at night and I put it on speaker. Little A looks at the phone, then at me, then the phone and just grins. He loves his daddy.

We moved into a new house. I am so excited. It's a cute little house with an awesome yard. We love it and its closer to the PD which makes it easier for Mr. J.

that's all for now !!

6 Months!

Half of a year.

Wait, are you sure?

Yes sir, Little A is 6 months old.

He had his check-up, got T.H.R.E.E. unmerciful shots, and has changed SO much.

He is so so so vocal. Whenever he wakes from his naps or in the morning, I always go into his room and say "HIIIIIIII" in a really high mommy-like voice. He is now mimicking me right back when I say it, seriously the cutest thing ever.

He has been eating home-made baby food for about 3 weeks (our pediatrician recommended not making it a watered down puree, but just mashing it up like crazy and letting him play with tiny pieces) and so far he likes avocados, cantaloupe, bananas, apples,  sweet potatoes, corn, carrots didn't impress him much and he really doesn't like green beans or grapes. 

He loves to drink water from my Brita bottle still. If he can see it, he is trying to grab it.

He rolls over both ways and has for a while now but these days, if he is laying down, he is rolling constantly. 

When Little A is in his car seat, he always tries to pull the shade down, like all the way down to his feet. He has pulled it out of place a few times. We hear this "click click click click" look in the mirror and you can see his little grinning face over the shade while his toes are rubbing it. 

Every evening when Mr. J gets home from work, he lays Little A on the bed, kneels in the floor and Little A starts the "inspection" as we call it. He has to grab, pinch, rub, and stare at every inch of Mr. J's face. Feet have now joined the process as Little A wraps his feet around Daddy's neck. 

Little A went to the church nursery for the first time 2 weeks ago. He always does well during church, but as he is more vocal, it's harder for us to pay attention and for the people around us to hear. I was extremely nervous about taking him for the first time, he has never been in the care of anyone else besides us and our parents, but I trusted the workers. He did fantastic. They said he really enjoyed watching the other kids and he was playing with toys and didn't cry at all. Phew, relieved mama moment.

Little A can sit up if I put him in the position, he is still a little wobbly, mainly because he sees something and just lunges straight for it. If he holds your fingers, he can pull himself up. He still prefers to be standing, his legs are so strong. He is trying to crawl. He gets his knees under him and kind of rocks a little bit and has scooted backwards. He is so close to figuring it out. 

His night time routine has changed a little. He no longer wants to be rocked or will allow it. He gets a bath, gets lotioned up, dressed, prayer, eats, and then completely straightens his body out so it's almost impossible to even hold him, so rocking is a no go. We lay him down awake, he grabs his paci and his blanket, rolls on his side and off to sleep he goes. 

We are still doing sign language, he now smiles when we sign, especially if I ask him if he is hungry.

He is still such a happy baby and "talks" to most people. I think it's unbearably precious though when someone is talking to him and he gets bashful and buries his face in my shoulder. 

He started saying "mamamama" a few days ago, he usually says it if I walk out of the room for a second or when he gets mad. I just crumble when I hear it. 

"oh you want a pony?" 

"mamamama" 

"your wish is my command little one", 

we may be in serious trouble.

I seriously fall in love with this kid more every day.

• Weight - 16 pounds 8 ounces (25th percentile
• Length - 26 1/4 inches (50th percentile)
• Head circumference- 16 1/4 inches (25th percentile)
• Diaper size - Just switched to 3
• Clothes size - he can still wear his size 3 months sweatpants,some 3/6 month things, mostly 6 month
• Favorites- being mobile in any form, talking, playing with mommy's phone, and doing the helicopter and horse ride with daddy
• Mommy's favorite moment/s this month- Him mimicking me and saying mamama my favorite, I love hearing that sweet little voice trying to say what I'm saying.

eating avocados 

waiting for Dr. B

But I know who You are

Have you heard this song before?

If you haven't, please listen before reading. If you have, please listen again before reading. 

This song hit me like a ton of bricks. I have heard it several times, but on our way home from Tennessee, it came on the radio and I got chills.

The chorus, 

"She says I don't know 

I don't know what you're doing

But I know who you are"

It seems like lately, several things have happened to my family, friends, and our world.

I don't know why my best friend of 20 years  just had her second surgery to remove her thyroid due to cancer at the young, healthy age of 20. Which by the way, she is still praising God for her health and His goodness, seriously, this girl's faith is admirable.

I don't know why my cousin found out 1 week before her 16th birthday that she has stage 3 hodgkin's lymphoma. She still had a party and celebrated her birthday with family even though she went through a grueling bone marrow test that morning. She still has a smile on her face and is trusting God.

I don't know why people who went to compete in the Boston marathon were victims of a bombing. People lost their lives, innocent people, at the hands of someone filled with hate. 

"You have a father's heart
And a love that's wild
And you know what it's like to lose
Yeah you know what it's like
What it's like to lose a child"

I have 2 babies. One laying beside me, Little A, and one in heaven who I only carried for 10 weeks. I don't know why God's plan called for those 10 weeks with my first baby who I will only meet in Heaven. But I rest easily in knowing it was part of His plan, not just a random event. It was for a purpose, a purpose that will bring glory to God. I have peace in that, and that God knows the sting of losing a child.  

I don't know why these things are happening or have happened, but what I do know is that God is faithful. I'm not questioning Him, I am in no position to demand answers. The second line in the chorus, "I don't know what you're doing", comforts my heart. No matter what is going on, God is DOING something. He is active, moving, working, being sovereign. 

We may not understand God's plan, but we can rest easily in knowing who God is. The God walking my best friend through her surgeries, the God helping my sweet cousin through chemo is the same God who parted the Red Sea for Moses. He is the same God who healed the blind, who hung on Calvary, and who gave Hannah a child. 

When buying a new product, a lot of times, you do research and read the reviews. Well grab your bible and look at God's reviews. Seriously, He scores a 5 star rating every. single. time. 

El Shaddai (Lord God Almighty)
El Elyon (The Most High God)
Adonai (Lord, Master)
Yahweh (Lord, Jehovah)
Jehovah Nissi (The Lord My Banner)
Jehovah-Raah (The Lord My Shepherd)
Jehovah Rapha (The Lord That Heals)
Jehovah Shammah (The Lord Is There)
Jehovah Tsidkenu (The Lord Our Righteousness)
Jehovah Mekoddishkem (The Lord Who Sanctifies You)
El Olam (The Everlasting God)
Elohim (God)
Qanna (Jealous)
Jehovah Jireh (The Lord Will Provide)
Jehovah Shalom (The Lord Is Peace)
Jehovah Sabaoth (The Lord of Hosts)


"Those who know your name trust in you,
    for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."
- Psalms 9:10

5 months

5 months.

5 months.

5 months.

I was hoping the more I said / typed it, would help it sink in that my baby is 5 months old!!! Geez, slow down there, little one.

Little A doesn't have a check-up this month, which also means NO SHOTS! Praise the Lord! We weighed him a week ago at my grandma's house and little man is a whopping 16 pounds!! Insanity gives me a run for my money but holding Little A definitely brings the burn by the end of the day. 

His personality is developing. He is so friendly, he is always smiling at people and tries to "talk". At church when Paw-Paw Mike is preaching, Little A hollers back, everyone says he is preaching back at him. He loves to be tickled, the "helicopter ride" with daddy, putting his toes in his mouth, his johnny jumper, rolling over (he can now roll from his back to his belly, so he just lays down and rolls continuously), holding our hands and standing. 

Little A now sleeps in his own room. We rock him for a minute or so and lay him down awake and he may fuss for a minute but then goes right to sleep. He goes to bed at 8:30PM, usually wakes up around 5:30AM to eat, then back to sleep until 8:00AM. He sleeps on his side and has to have his blanket to snuggle.

He is still exclusively breastfed, which is going great. He eats every 2 hours. We are beginning to play around with some real food. We steamed some carrots, pureed them, and gave him a bite but he isn't too sure about it yet. One thing Little A does love is lemons. We gave him a slice thinking we would get to see him make a funny sour face, and he just went to town sucking on it. He cried when we took it from him. When he sees us drinking water from our Brita water bottles, he immediately tries to grab them, so we put it to his mouth and give him a few drops, he loves it.

He is so curious it's hard to keep him in his car seat if he is awake and we are out. He would much rather sit on our lap or be held so he can see what's going on. When we go for walks, he prefers just being in the stroller facing out, not in the carseat hooked into the stroller. 

And little man definitely has some strength. When he is on his playmate, he will grab the rings that hang and do a pull up to try to get up. Ironman in the making?

We have also added in some sign language recently. The signs we are teaching him are hungry, eat, thank you, please, mommy, daddy, grandpa, grandma, tired, all done, bed, and diaper. I have a few friends who taught their babies sign language and love the idea of Little A being able to communicate with us earlier about his needs. 

5 month stats:

• Weight - 16 pounds
• Length - no doctor appointment this month so not sure
• Head circumference- "         "
• Diaper size - 2 
• Clothes size - 3/6 month, and some 6 month things like jeans and PJ's.
• Favorites- Loves to talk, smile at people, his teethers, books (playing with them and mommy reading them) johnny jumper, and rolling around.
• Mommy's favorite moment/s this month- I love how friendly he is. He smiles at everyone, talks, and enjoys interaction with other babies, especially his cousins.