Currently......

Yup, we're still alive. I need to be more consistent! I think know this poor blog needs a make-over and ASAP, maybe that will help me spend more time blogging.  

Any who, currently:

eating |  a honeycrisp apple, heaven on earth I tell ya
drinking | water, what else is new?
practicing | being more consistent in my quiet time, keeping up with daily chores, and speaking with kindness

mastering | a lifting/ gym schedule
learning | how not to obsess and freak out over every little thing, a real struggle for me.
listening | an old episode of "The Office". 

playing | peek-a-boo with my little love muffin
finishing | cleaning and organizing before holiday travels 
reading | SheReadsTruth.com
walking | eh running on the treadmill?
wearing | Chunky sweaters and cardigans  
cooking | lots of yummy crock-pot recipes
working | on cutting out ALL processed foods from our house
traveling | to North Carolina to visit family, WAAAYY too excited 
wanting| it to be Christmas morning already 

13 Months

A post that isn't late, actually 3 days early, it's a Christmas miracle.

My Little A is 13 months old!

His vocabulary consists of mama, dada, dog (daw-ga), bir (bird), light, tree, daarrrr (star on the christmas tree), hello (either playing with our cell phones, actually talking to someone on the phone, or putting his hand to his ear and pretending it's a phone), dank ewww (thank you), no, go, uh-oh, ow, got (Little A, whatcha got?), and shoe.

His sign language consists of more, ready to eat, drink, all done, and we're working on please and thank you.

He still loves to stand at the windows and look for birds, it's more fun now that charlie has joined in on the fun. He always gasps with excitement when we turn on the Christmas tree lights. He loves to play with the balls from his ball pit, his play hammer and nail set from Papa, and carrying around his shoes. His love for climbing makes me a nervous nelly. I'm slowly learning to just let him be a boy and not freak out over every little tumble.

One thing I have been SUPER excited about, he is snuggling once again. When he turned 6 months, he just stopped letting me snuggle and hold him, he was just too busy. Over the last few weeks, he has actually fallen asleep on my chest several times and I am LOVING it! He loves to give kisses, high fives, and loves to wrestle with Daddy. Little A loves to just get wild with him, it's pretty entertaining to watch.

He has 4 teeth on top, 2 on bottom with 2 molars working their way in. He still has to gave a banana with breakfast, he points to the fruit bowl and signs "ready to eat". We're still working our way through the picky phase of not wanting to try vegetables. He still loves spaghetti, yogurt, all meat, and all fruits. Before we eat, we say "Little A, let's pray" and he clasps his little hands together and waits.

We love you Baby

Happy 1st birthday !

My Dearest Little A,

I have decided to write you a letter every year on your birthday. I know it will be hard to put into words all the emotions I have but here we go....

I can't tell you how many nights I spent crying, praying 1 Samuel 1:27, wanting and longing for a baby. On November 2nd, my dream came true. The moment they laid you on my chest, I knew my world would forever be changed. I never knew I could love someone so much. At 5:31 AM, the world became so much sweeter. Because of you, I have found a new passion for life, a new sense of joy, purpose and you have opened a whole new part of my heart.

Watching you grow, change, and become your own little person has been such an incredible journey that I am BEYOND thankful to be a part of. We always tell everyone you have been the perfect first baby. You have never had a hard time adjusting to anything, moving to your own room, no problem, weaning from nursing, piece of cake. Sleeping has always been smooth sailing as well, your 12 hours at night plus 2 naps during the day makes me do a happy dance. Eating is getting a little tricky due to your sudden burst of being picky when it comes to veggies but I'm learning ways around it. Daddy thinks it's funny that you always go for the meat first and want more of it, man's man already. 

You never cease to amaze me with your intelligence, creativity, and sweet spirit. You can just melt my heart with one of your little smiles and kisses. You are so thoughtful already, whether it's sharing your snacks with daddy, helping me throw stuff away (my cellphone included a few times), or just stoping what you're doing to give me a kiss. It makes me oh so happy that you love books, AND you love to grab our books, and just fan the pages just like me. You inherited daddy's love for the outdoor, you cry when it's time to come in. You could just walk in the grass, picking up leaves and looking for birds all day long. 

You always hear people talking about teaching their children things, but it's often overlooked what children teach their parents. Some of the things you have taught me thus far : Joy in the simple things. You make me slow down, notice the little things like the bird in the tree outside the window, the flower beside the car, and just being outside. Because of you, I appreciate the beauty of things that would go unnoticed if it weren't for your smile and little finger pointing. Purpose. Everyone has a calling right? I had a hard time trying to figure out what mine was. Being your mommy brings me so much completeness, makes me feel whole. It's cliche but I feel "full" in a place I never knew was empty.

When I dreamt of having children, I always thought I knew what I deemed "perfect". When I met you, I realized my idea of perfect was a huge understatement to the amazing little person you are. My wildest dreams could have never imagined you up, with your quirky little attitude and your precious little facial features. You blow my mind every single day. I will never get over the fact that God chose ME, of all the people in the world, to be your mommy. I count it a blessing, even days when I've picked up the same toys 600 times, and I have found more grey hair (YIKES), I go to sleep every night excited for the next day with you. 

SO my littlest love, cheers to surviving our first year, I think daddy & I figured out parenting (just kidding, do you ever figure it out?), well figured out a system that works for us 3. You have been the most incredible baby, and we couldn't be more excited for the next year, and every one after that. The best year of our lives, credit goes to you our sweet Little A. We love you more than you will ever know <3

11 months !

So this is a little late, but such is life 

Little A is 11 months old and boy oh boy, he is doing SO much these days!

He started walking 2 days before he turned 11 months, not just a couple steps, but full on walking!

His vocabulary consists of  mama, dada, thank you (so cute, just started yesterday), dog (which sounds more like dawg-a), nose (nooooooeee), bird (bir-bir).

He is signing more, all done, and shaking his head no.

His favorite things to do are stand on the baseboard heaters (don't worry they aren't usable anymore) look out the window to find bir-bir and says "caawwww" like a crow. He loves to turn off the lights when we leave a room, play with his books, carry around my decorative pumpkins from Michaels. Now that Little A can walk, he has to constantly be doing it, he is ALWAYS on the go. He will give kisses if you ask him for one, unless he is grumpy, then he has no love. Understandable.

His favorite foods are bananas, any kind of bread (toasts, muffins, biscuits, corn bread), meat, especially chicken but he won't eat it fried (can he truly be called a baptist then?). His veggie likes seem to be shrinking but we are working on that. He loves greek yogurt and all fruit.

Little A went on his first pumpkin patch trip which he absolutely loved. Playing in the corn and carrying his baby pumpkin were his favorites, along with kettle corn.

First birthday plans are in the works. We have the invitations designed, plans made, tears waiting to be shed. No but seriously, I can't believe how fast this past year has gone by. We have loved every single minute and are so thankful to have our sweet boy. 

His big boy car seat 

Looking for birds

Pretty sure he could be a GAP baby model 

Enough

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151596857991831   

Have y'all seen that video? If not, watch it. 

I watched it with tears rolling down my cheeks and goosebumps on my arms. 

I'm going to be so honest, expose my truth, be vulnerable with my words and feelings because God is telling me to.

I came from a broken home. My parents divorced when I was in 3rd grade. I have 1 happy memory of my parents interacting as a couple. One. It involved my dad chasing my mom through the house, they were both laughing, tickling, smiling, hugging. The other memories of them as a couple consisted of arguing, tears, yelling, hurt, and pain. 

Divorce hurts everyone involved. As a child, I blamed myself, thinking I caused the fights, that if I was a better child, my parents would get along. That if I was "enough", I could be the glue that held my family together. 

Those hurts you experience when you don't fully understand, they turn to scars, callouses, painful construed perceptions of marriage. 

I was raised in church, "got saved" when I was 5 (I say that with quotes because at that point in my life, I said a prayer that was led by my sunday school teacher, I don't think I fully understood or grasped salvation). As a young teenager, I struggled so immensely with this feeling of inadequency. I looked for something to make me feel whole. I tried to fill the void with boys, inappropriate relationships, music, movies, anything to make me feel something. Guess what? It left me feeling even emptier. I used to spend a ton of time in my room, alone, listening to music, writing in a journal. I had 6 journals that I filled throughout my teenage years. Those pages were home to words of pain, feeling alone, misunderstood, empty, and anger. 

I was a pro at putting on a happy face, acting like everything was ok, that I didn't need anyone or anything. In my mind, everyone would let you down, fail you, hurt you, then leave you. I would trust no one, not give anyone the chance to hurt me.

 I went to church, sat through service after service, like a stone. Not wanting to absorb anything, listen to a single word, or sing a single note of a praise song. Why? In my mind, God had abandoned me. He let my family fall apart, He ignored my prayers and pleas when I was just a small child, He had forgotten me, so I would return the favor. 

Want to know something awesome about God? He NEVER gives up. He keeps on keeping on. It wasn't until I went to a Christian Youth Conference in Tennessee that I truly 100% accepted the gift of salvation with full understanding of my sin and need for Jesus. Things got better, BUT I still struggled. 

I still had anger in my heart. I could not for the life of me grasp that in God's eyes, I was worth dying for. I knew He loved me, I just couldn't understand why He would love someone like me? Didn't he know how broken I was? I was damaged goods. 

It was about 2 years after I got saved that God broke my walls down. It was this life changing night that I will never forget. Alone in my room, getting ready for the next day, God spoke so clearly to me saying "Kirstin, you are Mine! I would die for you again and again. I love you more than you will ever understand. You are ENOUGH, you always have been. I have forgiven you, forgive yourself. You are made whole in Me." That night, I destroyed those journals, God had forgiven me for my selfishness, my anger. I no longer wanted Satan to have that hold on my heart. 

In my attempt to feel whole with things of the world, I gained wounds. Those wounds are healed, they are scars. They no longer hurt, but they are a reminder to me of the pain I brought upon myself, and the healing that Christ brought me through Himself. I still struggle sometime with regret, feeling stupid about choices I made. They are painful memories, but I decided that night several years ago to give my mess to Christ so he could turn it into a message.

Girls, LISTEN to this video, to me, to what God is telling you. NO BOY could ever make you whole, no amount of music, movies, friends, drugs, alcohol or whatever you struggle with will ever be enough to fill that void. A man named Jesus suffered a horrific gruesome death FOR YOU. He loves you that much. Think about that for a minute. 

A whole life, one filled with forgiveness, freedom from your sins,  joy, a best friend, and more love than you could ever fathom is waiting for you. All you have to do is accept it. Jesus is waiting to pick you up, dust you off, tell you He loves you, and hold your hand through every single minute of your life. The best part? Death isn't the end, it's the beginning. He loves you so much, He wants to spend ETERNITY with you in Heaven. 

Take it from me, a life without Jesus is empty, it has no purpose.There are no "damaged goods" in His eyes, no one is beyond His repair. He made your heart, of course He can fix it.

 Be made whole in Him, His love and forgiveness. You are MORE than enough.

A - Z about ME

Apparently I never post anything "me related" so It was suggested that I do that in order for y'all to get to know me better, (I'm not super interesting, I promise) so I found this fun little guide .

here we go.....

A. Age :: 21

B. Bed size :: full (yup, we love to snuggle)

C. Chore you hate :: folding laundry (probably because I am so specific about every fold)

D. Dogs :: Charlie, who is currently living with a friend due to our land lord not wanting pets

E. Essential start to your day :: devotion time during Little A's nap

F. Favorite color :: cliche, but PINK. It makes me happy

G. Gold or silver :: silver

H. Height :: 5'5

I. Instruments you play :: NONE, depressing right? would love to learn piano

J. Job title :: Stay at home mama

K. Kids :: Little A <3

L. Live :: good ol' Virginia

M. Maiden name :: Love (best last name (now middle) in my opinion)

N. Nicknames :: Kir, Atta 'Chel (middle name is michelle, my grandpa added the 'Atta part), Porkchop (my dad has given all of his children, and grandchildren meat names, weird right?)

O. Overnight hospital stays :: only when Little A was born

P. Pet peeve :: dirty clothes laying RIGHT beside the dirty basket (come on, those extra 3 inches), letting the low fuel light come on, being late

Q. Quote: "Don't try to measure up to other people, your measurements have been taken on the cross" - Beth Moore

R. Righty or lefty :: Righty. 

S. Siblings :: Older sister Brittni, little sister Kayla, and little brother Jacob

T.Time you wake up :: usually 8 - 8:30, whenever Little Man wakes up

U. University attended :: Not a University, but just started a certification program through ACE to be a group fitness instructor

V. Vegetables you dislike :: Greens and beets

W. What makes you run late :: having a child, bad hair days, and that moment when you realize you hate every.single.thing in your closet (happens a lot)

X. X-rays you’ve had :: Teeth, and my shoulder.  

Y. Yummy food :: Steak, sushi, smoothies, COFFEE, and anything Italian

Z. Zoo animal favorite :: Elephants, been my favorite for years.

A Beautiful One At That

I love being a mom. I mean I REALLY love being a mom. What's not to love about having a squishy baby face to kiss whenever you want? Motherhood has been a beautiful journey so far. I tried to mentally prepare myself for it when I found out I was pregnant. I was prepared for the sleepless nights, the diapers, the chaos, the exhaustion, and all the body fluids from my little love. One thing never seemed to cross my mind, losing myself.

I have promised to devote every fiber of my being to raise Little A the way God wants me to, love him with all of my heart, be there to kiss every boo-boo, scare away the monsters, be his comfort when he is sick, and do any thing and every thing necessary. All of that comes with a price. I am no longer just Kirstin. Little A and I are a package deal, where I go, he goes. I have been forever changed by this little miracle baby, and for that, I am eternally grateful. The beautiful tragedy of this, I will never again be "just me". My heart is living in 2 bodies now. If I ever decided to give up on being a mom, I could walk away and quit, but I would forever be half of a heart wandering around.

If you met me several years ago, my introduction probably would have gone something like this "Hi, my name is Kirstin. I love to read, stay up late, drink coffee, go shopping, go running, have girls nights, hang out with my handsome hunk of a hubby, and be surrounded by my loved ones." I still enjoy those things, but I don't feel like that's what described me best anymore. I am a follower of Christ, a wife totally in love with her husband, and a mom to the cutest blue eyed baby boy in the world (yes, I checked, Little A has the title).

I never knew loss of identity was such a common thing in motherhood, until I became one, felt guilty about it, and started talking to other mommy friends. Guess what? There is no guilt or shame in it sister. It's ok to mourn the loss of your "old self", it's normal. But don't forget to be thankful for "the new you" that comes with maturity, selflessness, a bigger appreciation for the small things, and more love than you will know what to do with.

It's a beautiful thing, dying to self to become new. I am a mommy, I will always and forever be a mommy. Nothing could ever change that, even if, God forbid, something happened to my sweet boy, I have put on the cloak of motherhood which can never be removed. It's an eternal thing, something that grows in your heart, something that never dies. 

So, to the "old Kirstin", the years we had were fun and free, but I must bid you adieu. I am still trying to navigate my way through motherhood and discovering the "new me", it's all a journey, and a beautiful one at that.